


My Object All Sublime

by Barb Cummings (Rahirah)



Series: The Barbverse [22]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Friendship, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-19
Updated: 2009-11-19
Packaged: 2017-10-03 10:13:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rahirah/pseuds/Barb%20Cummings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The victims of RJ's jacket plot revenge. Sorta.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Object All Sublime

**Author's Note:**

> This story is set in the same universe as _A Raising in the Sun_, _Necessary Evils_, et. al. (See the [Barbverse Timeline](http://sleepingjaguars.com/buffy/viewpage.php?page=timeline) for specifics.) It contains spoilers for previous works in the series. This is was an experiment in writing a dialogue-only story, and I feel it's only partially successful. I might expand it some day. Or I might not. The story is another case where the Barbverse intersects briefly with post-Season 5 canon--in this case, the events of "Him," which take place more or less in the same way. While there are no spoilers for _Necessary Evils_ in this story, it helps to know that Megan and Lisa are friends of Dawn's.

"Move your monster butt, Janice! I can't see!"

"I am moved! Scooch down so Kit can look over your shoulder."

"Shhhhh, he'll hear you."

"Oooh, yeah, with his suuuuuper vampire hearing. Take your meds, Megan. He's a vampire like your sister's a lawyer."

"She works for a law firm!"

"RJ, he IS TOO a vampire! We saw him go all House of Dracula, like, a million times! Didn't we, Lisa?"

"Well--"

"My sister's a vampire too, and I'm totally going to text her and ask her to eat you!"

"Fuck, man, your sister could eat me any day. Come on, this is lame. We can't see anything through these curtains and there's nothing to see anyway."

"If you guys don't shut up--here he comes!"

"Where, where?"

"There! He just turned on the TV!"

"Let me see, let me see! What's he wearing?"

"T-shirt and sweat pants, pimp necklace."

"We should get Dawn to steal all his jewelry. No court would convict her."

"I think it's sexy."

"Are you impaired? Which t-shirt?"

"The one with the circle A and the ripped-off sleeves."

"That's an anarchy symbol, stupid."

"I hate that shirt! He so needs someone to dress him."

"Ripped. Off. Sleeves! Priorities, girl! "

"Ooh. He's doing curls. Couldn't you just lick him all over?"

"I wish he'd lick _me_ all over."

"He's put on weight, hasn't he? He was hotter when he was super-skinny."

"You are _deranged._ That? Definition of hotness."

"If he's a vampire, isn't he the definition of tepid?"

"Shut UP! We're just getting to the good part!"

"Yeah? And that is?"

(In chorus) "Pushups!"

"Why the fuck would a vampire need to do pushups?"

"Duh?!"

"Yeah, but if he's _dead--_"

"My sister says just because you're dead doesn't mean you can't be health-conscious."

"Look, if all you guys are gonna do is stare at Mr. I Heart The Eighties, I could be whupping Carlo at Halo--"

"RJ, if you don't--shit, he heard us! Run for sunlight!"

"You people are insa--HEY! Put me down!"

"Mind telling me just who the sodding hell you are, and if there's any reason I shouldn't tear your fucking spine out and tie knots in it?"

"Look, I didn't want to be here! It was those girls. They were trying to convince me you were a vampire."

"Yeh? You often get ordered around by a pack of twittering whey-faced bints? RJ, innit?"

"Yeah, I mean, I didn't take them--"

"_This_ convincing enough?"

"Aaaaahhh!"

"What's going on here...?"

"Dawn! Do something! He's going to eat me!"

"Spike?"

"'s under consideration."

"RJ, what are you doing here? Were you _spying_ on us?"

"Just on him! I mean, no!"

"Oh. My. God. I'm living in Pervert Nation!"

"DAWN!"

"Hmm. I can be scarred for life from finding you playing Peeping Tom on my front porch, or I can quietly go inside and pretend I never saw this sordid incident. Or maybe I could just tell my sister. She's in the saving biz. When does Buffy get home, Spike?"

"Round about five. I'll have 'im drained and buried in the rose beds by then."

"Well, guess there's nothing I can do. Unless...maybe..."

"Look, I got fifty bucks! You can have it!"

"Wow, what a coincidence! That's the exact amount you suckered out of me with that stupid jacket. But I couldn't take your money. That would be wrong. On the other hand..."

"Anything! Name it!"

"Dinner and a movie."

"WHAT?"

"Someplace nice. No burgers. And the movie? No explosions. Chick flick city. Will Smith being cheeky yet vulnerable."

"Are you crazy?"

(omninous growl)

"Ok, Ok, dinner!"

"Friday. Pick me up at six. Did I mention the flowers? There really should be flowers. You can put him down, Spike."

(a beat)

"Bugger can't half run, can he? Didn't need the bleeding jacket to get ahead."

"Eh. Boys are stupid."

"Won't argue. You sure about this one, Bit? Comes off a bit dodgy to me."

"Hey, if Buffy can do a fixer-upper on you, RJ should be cake."

(another beat)

"Point."

   
END


End file.
